Guess What Matters Far More Than the Position?

By the time Nic came into my life, I was a divorced father struggling to parent an unanchored little boy.

My son was intelligent and creative, but he needed structure in his life. He was with me during the week, and then nearly an hour away with his mother every weekend. In the summer, the arrangement switched.

Different households and a ping-pong life lead to mixed messages, inconsistency, and unfamiliar waters for a boy adrift.

Everyone needs a house to live in, but a supportive family is what builds a home. — Anthony Liccione

I was a busy police lieutenant on the cusp of becoming the next police chief. Long work hours and irregular events competed with father and son time, not to mention sleep. My mother often babysat when work pulled me away.

And then I met Nic.

Being a mother is an attitude

A friend invited me to dinner one night, to meet his sister-in-law. “You’ll like her, John, she’s a nurse. You’re a cop. You both love books,” my future brother-in-law said.

Nic (short for Nicole) was beautiful, independent, and intelligent. I was smitten, and soon we were dating. Before long, Nic and I bought a home together. Our marriage followed shortly thereafter.

Nic recognized that my son needed more structure in his life. Not wanting to overstep boundaries, she sought my permission to help. I gave it without hesitation.

Many positive changes followed. The TV disappeared from my son’s room, and it was replaced with shelves of classic books. On nights when police emergencies called me away, Nic took my son bowling.

Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. — Robert A. Heinlein, Have Space Suit — Will Travel

To avoid confusion about rules or the lack of them in different households, Nic affixed a poster listing the rules in my son’s bedroom. Things like “Put away toys, Don’t make us ask twice,” and “Finish homework.”

Absent work-related interruptions, we ate dinner together every night and talked about our day. The new structure in my son’s life worked wonders. He became an avid reader, a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and an excellent student.

There were many other positive changes that Nic brought to my son’s life, and he has blossomed into a remarkable young man. Now 23-years-old, he is a top student completing his computer science degree and ROTC studies at university. He is also an Air Force reservist.

My son is just starting in life, but thanks to Nic, he has been given a wonderful foundation. A foundation built on structure, discipline, ethics, respect, and love.

I have no doubt there will be many achievements in my son’s life, and behind those achievements will be the echoes of Nic’s parenting.

Speaking of echoes, there is another woman whose behind-the-scenes efforts helped shape a remarkable man.

Unvisited tombs

Sarah Bush Johnston lost her first husband in the 1816 cholera epidemic and was left with her late husband’s debts and their three children. Then along came Thomas Lincoln, a widower who had known Sarah and her husband in the past.

Thomas proposed marriage to Sarah and agreed to pay off her late husband’s debts. Thomas had two children of his own (a son and daughter) and so their marriage created a bustling household in their small Indiana cabin.

Sarah immediately improved the living conditions in the cabin, insisting Thomas cover up the dirt with wood floors, as well as fix the roof and whitewash the cabin. In short, Sarah humanized their home.

Sarah immediately took to Thomas’s young son, who was a bit feral and in need of structure. The boy’s mother died of accidental poisoning when he was only 9-years-old.

Although she was most likely illiterate, Sarah knew the young boy (who could read) needed a strong education. She helped nurture the boy’s intellect and reading comprehension by providing many books. She recognized something special in the boy and helped nurture him.

..for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs. — George Eliot, Middlemarch

We all know the rest of the story. Sarah’s stepson, Abraham Lincoln, went on to become the 16th President of the United States and author of the Emancipation Proclamation.

Lincoln adored his step-mother, as the following quote from an article in history.com notes:

Stepmother and stepson quickly forged a loving bond. “His mind and mine, what little I had, seemed to run together, move in the same direction,” Sarah said. She treated Lincoln as if he was her flesh-and-blood by offering love, kindness, and encouragement. He returned the affection, calling her “Mother.” In 1861, Lincoln confided to a relative that his stepmother “had been his best friend in this world and that no son could love a mother more than he loved her.”

One could argue that Sarah Lincoln was more powerful than an American president, because without her parental love, nurturing, and guidance, it’s unlikely young Abe would ever have succeeded in life.

It’s not the position that matters in life, it’s the person

Society today likes to celebrate the rich, famous, and powerful (even though the lives of such people are often plagued with divorces, substance abuse, and unhappiness). Young entrepreneurs aspire to be like Elon Musk, and starry-eyed youths fantasize about becoming influencers and celebrities.

Yet behind the rich and famous, cloaked in anonymity and modesty, are the real heroes. The ones whose selflessness and depth of character we’d be far better off emulating.

Cartoon by John P. Weiss

It’s the loving parents and step-parents who sacrifice much to provide a strong foundation and better life for their children. It’s the quiet teachers and coaches who shun lucrative jobs to shape young minds and hearts.

Sadly, society seems to celebrate the glitzy and shallow and ignores the sacrifices and depth of real heroes. The ones without fancy titles who toil in the shadows to make future generations, and the world, a better place.

Do your little bit of good

Many people are familiar with the movie Pretty Woman, which is about a prostitute and wealthy businessman who end up falling in love. Julia Roberts plays the prostitute, Vivian, and Richard Gere plays the successful businessman, Edward.

The movie is a Cinderella-type story, and audiences naturally cheer for Vivian and Edward to fall in love, despite the many challenges they face. Yet behind the scenes, there is a seemingly bit player whose professionalism, kindness, and depth play a huge part in Vivian’s fairy tale life.

Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world. — Desmond Tutu

Barney Thompson (played perfectly by actor Hector Elizondo) is the hotel manager in the movie, who runs the hotel like a fine-tuned engine. He is professional, articulate, empathetic, and helps Vivian to fit in with Edward’s world of fine dining, operas, and high society.

Barney helps Vivian acquire an evening gown, teaches her how to use appropriate fine dining silverware, and even gives respectful advice to Edward.

Beautiful people like Barney exist in the world, but we take them for granted and often overlook how valuable their contributions are.

Find a purpose to serve, not a lifestyle to live

I eventually became police chief and served in that position for ten years. I am proud of my law enforcement career, my contributions, and the people I helped.

Yet I believe my wife Nic, working quietly and humbly behind the scenes, made a more profound contribution.

Despite the demands of a nursing career (including the challenging years serving as a hospice nurse), Nic invested her free time and energy into molding a feral little boy into a mature, kind, ethical young man.

It’s one of the many reasons why I love and respect my amazing wife. She had no interest in joining the elite social circles in our city, keeping up with the Joneses, or impressing people with material things. Her happiness and peace come from loving her family and helping others.

Find a purpose to serve, not a lifestyle to live. — Criss Jami, Venus in Arms

It doesn’t matter what your position is in life. The depth of your character and how you treat others matter far more than your job title.

And when you look back on the landscape of your life, what do we want to see? Fancy job titles, money, and fame? Or depth of character and a charitable heart that made the lives of others better?

I prefer the latter.

Before you go

Photo credit: Author

I’m John P. Weiss. I write poignant stories and essays about life, which I often illustrate with my monochromatic artwork and photography. To follow along, join my popular Saturday Newsletter here.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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