We tell a lot of lies to our children to make it easier in this world. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Trickle Down Economics.  But the one fantasy we sell them more than any other is that carrot cake is cake.  It’s not cake.  It’s an abomination.

I’ve written things in the past that are controversial.  Enough so that I no longer check comment sections.  This is one fight I’m looking forward to.  Carrot cake is not cake, not at all.  And to prove it, I’ll give you its history, so you know how evil it is.  Maybe if everyone understands its origins, we can finally do away with the awful vegetable mush.

The first instance of carrot cake is mentioned in the Dead Sea Scrolls.  In a lost book of the Bible, it is clearly stated that the devil made carrot cake as a practical joke on Adam and Eve.  Big Cake has suppressed this knowledge, but I promise it’s in there.  As a man who is not a theological scholar at all, you can trust me. As we know, the world has gone downhill from there and we cannot ignore the correlation of that to the invention of carrot cake.

Surely the decline of mankind is enough proof for everyone to stop calling carrot cake a nice dessert.  But I know that the internet is full of lies, so let me add mine to help convince you.

Let’s take a look at the ingredients of carrot cake.  Frosting, flour, sugar, and probably some baking soda.  I don’t know, I’ve never made it and honestly, I’m too lazy to look up the ingredients. Then there are mushed carrots. It’s a scientific fact that mushy carrots are super gross.  It appears that the carrot’s entire job here is to ruin a perfectly good dessert.  Stick with peaches or perhaps some refreshing strawberries and leave the devil’s vegetable alone.

Let’s be honest here and break it down.  Carrot cake exists as a weak attempt by parents to get kids to eat their vegetables.  As a parent, I can confirm the conspiracy.  We put peanut butter on celery sticks and call it a yummy snack.  We tear up spinach and hide them in cheesy quesadillas.  We will literally do anything to get our kids to eat vegetables.  Honestly, parents are awful people when it comes down to it.  Don’t think we are above hiding a vegetable in your dessert and making you believe it’s a special treat.  It’s not.  We are just that terrible.  Remember, we steal your teeth at night so why wouldn’t we slip you some carrot when you’re not looking?

I know I’m going to get push back on this one.  Those that have fallen for the carrot cake conspiracy are going to be upset.  In fact, there is a good chance I’m going to end up on the no-fly list for spilling all the truth about carrot cake. But to make the world a better place, I’m willing to take the heat.  Carrot cake sucks. My wife is at a divorce lawyer right now.

But how can carrot cake be cake? Cakes are made with rainbows and love.  Carrot cake is made out of the color orange, and you know that’s a distasteful color because nothing rhymes with the word orange.  It’s so bad that no other words want to be associated with it.  How can we go on pretending that this is a thing?

What’s next?  Where does this slippery slope lead?  Broccoli cupcakes?  Brussel sprout fudge?  Asparagus doughnuts?  It won’t stop there.  Did you know that they serve carrot cake in our schools?  I swear this part is true.  I’ve seen it.  Right next to my hockey puck toasted yams, there was carrot cake as I ate with my child.

“What is this?” I asked my 8-year-old son.

“The failure of humanity,” he said.  Then he cried.

I tried to console him but what am I going to say?  “Son, it’s better to just not think about your future.  Stay in my basement, and I’ll keep you safe from the carrots.”

This may all stem from my own childhood, which is what my therapist always says.  My father grew carrots and when they were ready, he would make us go pick one and eat it raw for lunch every day.  We probably didn’t even wash them. The grit would get in my teeth as I would dry heave over my bologna sandwich.  My therapist says that I need medication to deal with this, but I can’t trust him because he’s a carrot cake lover.

So, what can we do?  Carrot cake has brainwashed all of my countrymen. And these are the same people that believe in Q.  How are we supposed to fight that?

With patience and understanding, empathy, and chocolate frosting on an honest cake.  That’s the only way to show the world that carrot cake is not cake, but an abomination.

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